Pieces Of Me

I've been contemplating sharing this for awhile but have been hesitant because it's certainly my own inward struggle, and no one can really do anything about it. I don't want to be perceived as whiney and I certainly wouldn't want to sound annoying with such trivial issues when there are lots of bigger things going on in the world. But I've been struggling with this for weeks now and I'm hoping that talking about it will help, at least to some degree.

A friend once asked me where I thought fat went when it left the body. I didn't have a good answer except to say that maybe the molecules dissolved into thin air. Or perhaps it was the droplets of sweat left behind on the gym equipment after I'd finished a set. Maybe it was contained in the exhales that came from my lungs as I huffed and puffed through a run. But really, I had no idea. A common question upon my arrival back stateside is, 'how do you feel about leaving Guam?' The answer to that is also quite complicated. In a way, I left pieces of myself there. Seventy pounds worth of pieces to be exact. I have felt, and still feel every day, like I am grieving the loss of a person. Maybe it's the person that arrived on Guam October 8, 2011. I had felt that she was already dead to me, but perhaps staying at the scene of her death kept the grief at bay. It becomes stronger, and more real to me, each and every day. Maybe it's because so much has changed since that October day when the plane landed in paradise. It's not that I miss that woman, or her life, but I can't quite put my finger on why I feel so sad about leaving her behind. Is this is a common feeling when one loses a great deal of weight? Can anyone shed some light on this for me?

And of course, I miss my Guam family. Their smiles, their hugs, their encouragement through the hard times. Outwardly I smile and carry on about my days, but inwardly my heart continues to break. Texts, phone calls and FaceTime just aren't the same but they have become my band-aid, fixing my feelings temporarily. I wish so badly that someone or something would come along and sew me up. Put my pieces back together. I am trying hard to remind myself that grief takes time. Staying busy helps a little bit. Hopefully once I get 'home' from my little 'vacation' down South I can slip into a routine that will find some friends with similar interests. They'll never replace what I had in Guam, but I have hope for a new normal in the future. I do find it interesting that the place we were stationed at for the shortest amount of time, brought me friends that dug the deepest into my heart. <3

Baby Got Back Problems

Last Monday when I started to work on my newest training regimen, I was eager to get going and really hit it hard. And I did, until the very end of my first workout. While doing some dumbbell sumo squats, I felt something kind of tweaky in my left hip. It didn't really hurt, but it didn't feel right. So I dropped my weight a bit and didn't squat as low as I normally would. Once I finished out my set, I went about setting up for my deadlifts. Deadlifts are one of my favorite exercises and I've worked very hard over the last year at proper form, steadily increasing my weight to a personal record of 165 lbs. Being absent from the gym a couple of weeks, I dropped my starting weight down to a measly 95 lbs and decided to work through the first set, see how it felt, then increase if I thought I could do more. I positioned myself, pulled up, completed one rep and set the bar down. As I pulled up on the second rep, I felt and heard a 'SNAP!' in my lower back that literally brought me to my knees. I couldn't stand up, I couldn't lie down, and I couldn't roll over. I just couldn't move. I panicked for a moment before crawling over to the nearest wall and slowly picking myself up from the floor. I knew I was done for the day(thankfully on my last exercise!) so I quickly tried to re-rack my weights and get the hell out of there before people started laughing at the new girl. I had already been really nervous about being said new girl, and here I'd gone and injured myself like a dumbass, with minimal weight on the bar. AARGH! So I came home, popped some ibprofen, and parked my back on an ice pack. The next day it felt a little better, so I added heat therapy into my regimen. By Thursday I was feeling almost 80%...until I got in the shower. As I bent over to shave my legs, that same awful 'SNAP!' occurred and brought me to my knees in the hot streams of water. By Friday, even though I had resumed my ice and ibprofen, I wasn't feeling any better. Saturday I knew I had to see a doctor. I didn't want this getting out of hand. I've never had a back injury(or so I thought; more on that later) so I didn't know how my body was going to heal. A pulled muscle is one thing, a slipped disc is another. So I went to an urgent care facility on Saturday morning. Their x-ray technician was out so I didn't get any films. The doctor said it could be anything from a pulled ligament to a slipped disk but the only way to be sure was an MRI. So she wrote me a script for a lovely cocktail of steroids, narcotics and muscle relaxers to take for five days. Even after taking the drugs for a couple days, I wasn't bouncing back like I had the first time. My parents hooked me up with their chiropractor so I went to see him this afternoon. Now, military insurance does not pay for chiropractic care which I find downright stupid. I've always been kind of leery of chiropractors until today. I went in and the first thing he did was measure my legs. 'Your right leg is shorter than your left.' Who knew? 'I think you've got a misaligned pelvis.' Well okay, then. Fix me! A couple x-rays later and the good doc's theory was proven true. He also found that I have some small bone spurs on my pelvis, probably from carrying around so much extra weight for so long. He was amazed at my weight loss, by the way, and my before/after pictures blew him out of the water! He also showed me that I, at some point, sustained a compression fracture in my upper back. Remember how I said I never thought I had a back injury? Turns out, I do. He said it appeared very old and the only thing I can think of is slamming into a tree trunk with my back, on a rope swing, as a kid. This was when I was 10 or 11 years old!

So, there you see my crooked pelvis. He said it wasn't anything I'd done recently, it happens over time. I asked him if sitting in the same position flying for some many hours, combined with being out of the gym and not moving those joints regularly could have contributed and he validated that thought. A few minutes later and I'd been crunched back into place, painlessly. So for now, I'm supposed to stay on my medication cocktail for the next few days, ice for 20 minutes every hours tonight, ice and heat tomorrow night, go back to see him for one more adjustment on Wednesday, and then heat after that. I'm feeling alot better already. It's almost a miracle. I'm, of course, supposed to lay off the lower body workouts for a little while longer but I've already been doing that. I don't feel *great* about it but I know it's necessary. Hopefully next week I'll at least get to go to a Zumba class!

Peace Out, Guahan

Dear Guam,

I owe you an apology. When I first learned we would be settling into this tiny mosquito speck of a space on planet Earth, I went through emotions ranging from sadness to all out rage. From the moment we landed, I had it in my head that I would hate you until the day I died. I would curse your name and everything you stood for. And then something magical happened....

You overtook me. Your beaches, your sunsets, your people, your history. I changed physically and mentally. You became my structure, my foundation, my latte. It is because of you that I now hold close the dearest friendships of my life. My sisters. You know who you are and you know that I love all of you, whether you're a plumeria or a blue starfish. ;)

I am loathe to leave you, Guahan. Each day that the clock counts down, little chips of my heart are breaking off onto your sand. My tears into your ocean.  I can only hope I have left some sort of mark here that I would be remembered if I return. When I return. Because...

I will always remember you.

Breaking The Stereotype

Something that's bothered me for a long time is the cookie-cutter mold that seems to run rampant in the fitness world. You either have to be a cardio bunny or a weight lifter. You can't Crossfit if you're a body builder. You're either a personal trainer or a group fitness instructor. I know a few people who go in a few directions but for the most part, it's like you can only be one thing. Well, I want to break those stereotypes. I want to dabble in everything. Of course my heart will always lie with body building because that's how I got started, but a close second comes by way of Zumba. I was introduced to Zumba classes by friends last September. The treadmill and elliptical had become boring forms of getting the cardio in, so I wanted to shake it up. And that's exactly what happened! I met two beautiful and amazing instructors who have since become friends. Both have inspired me over the months and brought out something in me that I'd forgotten about: Confidence. I remember walking into my first few classes nervous and not knowing what I'd gotten myself into. But a few weeks passed and there I was at the front of the class, shaking it like nobody's business. ;) Shortly after the new year, my friend Ana(also my instructor) told me that there was going to be a Zumba certification class in Guam. I had planned on getting licensed when we got back to the states but the opportunity was presenting itself now, so I signed up.

The day arrived and my friend(also getting licensed) picked me up and we talked as we drove to the studio. Both of us were incredibly nervous but excited at the same time. We had no idea what, or who, we were walking into. Parked at the studio we gathered our things and made our way into the tiny room that would be our office for the day.

Our training started off with an intense master class that had us dripping in sweat. The studio only had one aircon unit and a couple fan. The doors were opened because the 90-degree Guam heat was cooler than the room itself. Let's just say I had no problems blowing through my gallon of water that day. After the master class we sat down to discuss all the how-to's and what-not-to-do's.

After a lunch break we were back to experiential learning, running through all the basic Zumba steps and how to combine them together to make a routine. This was probably my favorite part, seeing everyone's different styles. I even got complimented on my lunge form. ;) And then the class was over. It was graduation time. The day itself wasn't all that bad but the heat was killing me. I was so ready to get out of that room! 

 So now it's time for you to laugh. As if a whole day of Zumba wasn't enough, somehow my friends convinced me to join them at another master class the same evening. I was nasty, though. Stinky, sweaty, you name it. But there was no shower at the studio. What's a girl to do? I went into a local shopping mall bathroom, stripped down, wrapped a towel around myself and proceeded to bathe using the sink and a bottle of soap. I got some interesting looks. Pretty sure they thought I was a homeless person. But man, it felt good to get some of the grime off! Anyway, my friend picked me up and we went to dinner before the master class. Yeah, it was bad. Bad, bad, bad. I ate way too much and ended up feeling sick the rest of the night. But we did the master class and it was alot of fun, other than feeling like I was going to explode. Our ZES called up anyone who had done basic training that day, so we went up on stage and helped lead a song. Okay, it was more like standing there going, 'WTF is this woman doing?' I'm pretty sure it was meant to freak us out. But hopefully I held my own...at least I think I did. That's me in the pink pants and our ZES, Madalene Aponte, in the front. She's truly amazing.

So, in closing, I don't want to be just one thing. I've always been a sort of jack-of-all-trades so why should this be any different. And I want to say 'Ana and Belkis.' Thank you for bringing out my moxie. Thank you for cheering me on. And thank you for inspiring me. I love you both. 

Where'd You Go?

Hi friends! It's been awhile since I posted on here. I won't give a bunch of reasons for my absence, and I definitely won't apologize. I just have been feeling utterly defeated in many areas of my life and when times get tough, some things just fall to the bottom of the priority list. Unfortunately, blogging is one of them. I've been doing my best to get through day-to-day tasks, including working out and eating right. The working out comes easily enough. I have my partner and lots of other friends keeping me motivated. But the eating right fell by the wayside for an entire week. Now, I will say that...ummm...'womanly issues' contributed to the mass amounts of food I stuffed in my face last week. Overall I don't feel too badly about it. Shit happens, right? You screw up, then you get up and you start over. Of course it doesn't seem like my stress level is going to be decreasing anytime soon. We just found out The Husband received orders this weekend. We are(quite happily) going back to New England! But first, there is sorting and purging and packing and a bunch of other stuff that has to get done before moving across the globe. I am, admittedly, quite sad about leaving behind my friends here and the beauty of this island. Guam has been the foundation for my new lifestyle. Something has changed within me since arriving here eighteen months ago and I will never, ever forget the things I've learned. I will also never forget the beauty I've been privileged to see on a daily basis, and often take for granted. I wish everyone could see it, just once. But as I sit here reminiscing on the past, my mind shifts to the present. I have a mere six weeks to take everything in, and more importantly, to spend these last moments with some of the best friends I've ever had. So if I remain absent, just know that I am out there doing my best and that I will most definitely return here at some point. But in the meantime, stay focused on your goals. Know that we all(including me, most definitely) have struggles whether they are internal or external. Chin up, buttercup. ;)

Been There, Done That

We finished up Operation: Unleash the MILF two Fridays ago. At the time, I had become so physically and mentally weakened, it was a blessing. I needed the rest and I know my partner did too. We were breaking all over the place. But we finished twelve weeks and that's what's important. I didn't actually set a goal for the end of this program, just to finish it and finish it with some kind of results. I'm happy to say that over the last twelve weeks my weight went from 173 lbs. to 166 lbs. and I lost a total of 12 combined inches. I'm still not real sure about my body fat. According to my monitor I lost 1.2% but there were weeks where it went up significantly(?) and then went back down the next week. So who knows. My clothes fit better and I'm sliding into the next smallest size, now. Could it have been better? Probably. Am I gonna beat myself up about it? Not at all. It was a challenge from the very beginning. Some of the workouts were excruciating...hello, leg days! And like the saying goes, 'Focus on the weight of your dumbbells going up, not the number on the scale going down.' If you remember, I was disheartened after a few weeks of no weight loss. Well, I quit worrying about it and go figure, I started losing. My lifts also increased dramatically in the final weeks and I'm noticing much more upper body tone. My legs still have quite a lot of work to do, so that's what I'll be focusing on the next couple of months, as well as continuing working towards my goal of 20% body fat. Right now I'm sitting at 25.3%. Last week I was ordered(per my program) to take an entire week of rest for the gym. I cannot tell you how hard that was! Thankfully, my parents were here visiting and we did some active things like stand-up paddleboarding that kept me from getting too fidgety. I kept my diet spot-on except for two cheat meals and I'm really proud of myself for sticking to the plan.

So what's next? I'm going to be repeating the last six weeks of this program as I work on my legs. I'm going to re-evaluate my daily caloric intake and macronutrients and try to further my fat loss a bit more. My morning Zumba classes got cancelled so unless I can make the evening classes(super hard to get there at that time) I've got to come up with some kind of cardio that I can stick with for awhile. I'm thinking some interval running and time on the stair stepper to help with my booty. ;)

W11D3: Fly-By Quickie Update

This is gonna be a short one. We had a killer leg day this morning and I can honestly say I can barely walk. I've had some interesting moments in the gym but today....today....some random guy came up to my partner and me and asked if he could take our picture. We were, after all, superheros. :D

Of course we obliged and then continued on with our torture session. Thankfully we were done in just over an hour but I'll be paying for that hour for days! Anyway,  I just tucked my kiddos into bed and I'm ready to soak my bottom half in the tub for an obscene amount of time. But first, I want to share a little something with you. We all know progress pictures are important. As I get down to the little nitty gritty details of creating my 'new' body, it gets harder and harder to see the big picture on a daily basis. I was changing clothes earlier and happened to catch a glimpse of my back in the mirror. Whoa, baby! So I snapped a picture to commemorate the moment and compare it to late last year right before I started Operation: Unleash the MILF. The first picture was taken mid-December and I, of course, used the handy dandy 'auto-enhance' feature on iPhoto. The second picture was taken tonight and although it's not the best quality photo from my lovely iPhone, there are no special effects, lighting, or filters. All me, baby!

Before any particularly smart people comment on my tattoo moving, it's called a mirror image. ;)

W11D3 Operation: Unleash the MILF

Workout Duration: 1:00:02

Calories Burned: 544

PR-ed Barbell Squats and Deadlifts. Woot!

W10D3: Breaking Down

This is the fourth time, now, that I've done a twelve-week program and the cycle of emotions is the same every time. At the beginning, you're excited about what's to come. You're pumped for the workouts, eager to get to the gym every day. In the middle, you've really begun to see changes and that's enough to keep you motivated. But by the ninth week, you are starting to get burnt out. The workouts aren't quite as exciting anymore as you've been doing the same moves(albeit in different settings) for over two months. Your body isn't changing quite as fast and it even seems to be breaking down. It's tired. You're tired. You start to become more susceptible to injury if your form isn't spot on every time. You are willing the last three weeks of your program to fly by so that you can start something new and interesting again. I've hit that point and I've hit it hard. It's taking all the mental and physical strength I have to get through the next 2.5 weeks and to do it in a way that brings the results I desire.

And as if all this crap going through my head and body isn't enough, there was drama at the gym this morning. I walked into the locker room, opened my locker and started unpacking my bag just as I do every day. Except...something was missing. When it dawned on me what that something was I started freaking. My notebook wasn't there. It wasn't in my locker, or my bag. Hell, I even checked my partner's locker since I'd borrowed a pair of pants yesterday. I asked the janitor if she'd seen and and she said yes, she saw it yesterday sitting by my locker. I guess maybe she thought I was still there? Anyway, I'm sure you're probably wondering why I was freaking about a notebook. First of all, it had all of my workouts in it. The workouts I PAID for. The workouts I'm not supposed to share with others who have not paid for them. But most important, all of my personal information(my weight loss, body fat and measurements) from the last ten weeks was in there. I hadn't recorded it anywhere else. And then last, the thing you may laugh at me for, my prize. You see, every time I complete a program, part of the prize at the end is seeing all the folded up pages in my notebook. All the workouts I've completed. Hell, a lot of the pages even have sweat droplets on them. It may not seem like a big deal but unless you've actually followed through with an entire 12-week program, you have no idea.

So while I'm having my own personal freak out, my partner walks into the locker room with her usual chipper 'Morning!' She said as soon as I saw her I had the puppy eyes. And of course the tears started to flow. And then a couple more(very understanding) friends come in and hear my news and immediately start a search party. We checked with the front desk and they couldn't find it in their lost and found, but within minutes, my friends had signs posted all over the gym asking people to return my book. Honest to goodness, I have some of THE best friends here that I've ever had. Women that understand WHY I was losing my shit over a notebook and didn't have to ask any questions. Knowing we'd done all we could do, I marched back into the locker room and put on my shoes knowing that I was about to bang out one hell of a workout because of all this frustration. We hadn't even gotten all of our equipment set-up and the front desk was calling my name over the loudspeaker. They found my book! Apparently it was hiding under a stack of papers, NOT in the lost and found. The sheer relief that flooded over me was amazing. My book! All was well with the world for that moment.

Of course one good thing did come of my 'lost' notebook. The guys that work the desk at the gym think I'm pretty cuckoo. I'm there every day and I surely make every day count. They've commented on our 'insane' workouts before but today....today they saw my fat picture in the front of my notebook. Today, they stared at me in awe and congratulated me on my achievements. Today, I think they learned why I AM so cuckoo. ;) They didn't even believe that person was me!

W10D3 Operation: Unleash the MILF
Workouts Duration: 1:15:04(55 minutes weight training, 15 minutes rowing, 5 minutes foam rolling)
Calories burned: 507

W9D2: The Minimalist 'Diet'

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W8D1: Under The Influence Of Awesomeness

I've always been a klutz of epic proportions. How I survived eight years of dance lessons and six years of marching band is beyond me. Even the choir room was hazardous, falling down risers onto the piano. Yeah...don't ask. ;) My fitness journey has been no exception. From slamming my fingers between dumbbells to tripping over barbells to rolling my ankle multiple times during Zumba, every day is an amusing journey. Thankfully I have never seriously injured myself!

Last week I started getting a little more brave with my box jumps and put a plate on top to add an inch of height. At the moment my feet left the floor, my partner said something funny that completely wrecked my train of thought. My left foot completed the jump and landed square on the box but my right toes grazed the edge, sending my right leg behind my left. I dove to the side to avoid crashing forward into the rack of dumbbells, did some sort of mid-air spin and landed on one foot right beside the box. Best part? Didn't even knock over my open water bottle. This, of course, pissed me off. I got right back behind the box and jumped, landing solidly on top. I may or may not have yelled a few obscenities at the poor box and then raised my fist in triumph while everyone looked on at the crazy girl.

I guess I'm making my mishaps a weekly thing because today I embarrassed myself yet again. Our circuit was comprised of three different types of lateral pulldowns in a row. As we set up camp at the cable machine, I hooked the lat bar to the carabiner and didn't realize some bozo before me had the weight set to five pounds. Guess what? The lat bar weighs more than five pounds. As it came crashing down on my head I shrieked like a little girl and everyone turned to watch. Red-faced and laughing, I picked that shit up, changed the weight, reset the bar and got down to business. Take that!

Why am I telling you all this? First of all, it's stupidly funny. Second, don't be afraid to be under the influence of awesomeness. When you do amazing things with your body(like lift more than five pound weights ;)...), you're bound to have a few bumps in the road. Laugh it off and get back to it. Conquer whatever is trying to defeat you, and do it with a huge grin on your beet-red face.

W8D1 Operation: Unleash the MILF
Total weight lost: 3 lbs.
Workout duration: 1:05:53
Calories burned: ~700(My HRM cut off during my first circuit and I couldn't get it back on until my third. Boo!)

As an aside, I just wanted to share this picture. A friend took it last weekend and it's one of those that I had to do a double take to realize that's me! That's my five year old next to me and my two year old in front of me. I keep going back to this picture because it really helps get into my head that size I really am, not the size my brain still thinks I am!

W7D1: Halfway Point

We have officially reached the halfway point of Operation: Unleash the MILF! Although I was hoping to have made more changes this point, I really can't complain with the changes I've already seen. Over the last six weeks, I have lost two pounds and over 10 inches, mostly from my hips, waist, and thighs! My body fat monitor has me at an only 1% fat loss, but I'm not too inclined to believe it given the inches lost. That just doesn't sound right, does it? So I'm not putting my stock in it, or the scale, but relying mostly on the tape measure and my overall shape and fit of clothing to measure my progress.

Last week I was forced to take a good, hard look at my eating choices. Admittedly, I had a really bad week but got right back on my game. I also started taking digestive enzymes after my largest meal(normally breakfast) and they have helped with the belly bloat alot. Here are pictures taken just a week apart so you can see what I mean.

I still have a long way to go but I feel like I'm chipping away, slowly and steadily. That is, after all, the best way. I feel like changing my cheat meal to Monday was a good idea, and besides my birthday, I intend to really keep the eating buckled down. Let's see what we can do this last six weeks! The first six went by so quickly!!

W6D4: Changes On The Horizon

I've been thinking a lot since my last post. Thinking of ways to make controlling my eating more manageable. One way is by opting out of a cheat day all together. That doesn't sound like much fun. ;) But, let's face it...one bad meal can lead to another, and another, and...well, you get the point. However, I really look forward to my cheat meal at the end of the week. I know everyone says not to reward yourself with food but it's nice to know I can work hard all week on my eating and my training and then just completely let go for one meal and eat something I've really missed. Another idea that sort of plays into this is having your weigh-ins on Monday so that you're more accountable over the weekend. That means not allowing yourself to binge over those two days because your cheat meal turned into a cheat weekend. I've always done my weigh-ins on Monday but I think what will be helpful to me is to have my cheat meal on Monday after my weigh-in and measurements have been taken. It has to be one meal. It has to be breakfast or lunch, not dinner. Basically, I am trying to trick myself into not enjoying it quite as much. Case in point, I am a really big Italian food lover. This is usually what my cheat meals consist of. Nothing like sitting down to a huge plate of lasagna and garlic bread for dinner, right? I am hoping that if I make that not an option, there will be less room for error and also less room in my stomach. ;) I will then have the rest of the week to work this meal off AND have to be accountable over the weekend for my next weigh-in. This sounds like a good idea to me. Am I crazy? Am I overthinking it? Probably, but you do what you gotta do...for you. What is right for me is not necessarily right for the next person. And if I could say one thing about this journey, it has been a hell of a lot of trial and error. I hope this new plan will keep things moving in the right direction, but if not, my brain is already formulating other plans for success!

W6D2: Fall Down Once, Get Up Twice

My last post talked about how I was struggling to come to grips with the number on the scale not changing even though my measurements and body fat were. Even through writing out my feelings, it was not release enough to keep me out of a downward spiral over the weekend. I had my normal cheat meal on Friday, but that one meal turned into an entire weekend of cheats. Needless to say, I was in no hurry to check my numbers yesterday. So I didn't. I told my partner I knew what the numbers were going to say and that I'd been too chicken shit to even step on the scale.

So this morning, I got up. I put on my brave face and stepped on the scale. Gained a pound. With a heavy heart I stepped off and grabbed my body fat monitor. Gained .5%, exactly what I'd lost last week. My heavy heart was now accompanied by a loud sigh. Standing there in front of the bathroom mirror, I looked myself up and down and could only feel anger. There was no guilt. We all mess up. But I was angry that I could't stop myself from messing up before it happened. How can I be so in control of my training but not of my eating?

As I pulled on my gym clothes I reassured myself that I was not going to let these numbers get the best of me. That I would let them make me even more determined to be 'on it' all week long. I AM going to see results and I AM going to feel good about the decisions I make. I will NOT allow myself to wallow and I will NOT allow myself to feel guilty. I am going into this week thankful that I have the ability to train hard and to make good decisions from here on out. Tightening the noose, if you will. I will still have my one cheat meal a week, but I absolutely will not set myself back like this again. I have six and a half weeks left of Operation: Unleash the MILF and I want to get my money's worth!

Also, since this is week six, we are moving into training 5 days per week instead of 4. For my partner and I, this not only means changes to the schedule, but changes to when/how we work out. I am not going to be able to do any workouts on the weekend, so I'm forced into a M-F routine that accommodates my Zumba classes because....let's face it...I reeeeeeaaaally like Zumba. ;) This means that I'll be going to Zumba two mornings a week, resting for an hour and fueling up, and then training afterward. If I went straight to training from Zumba, I would not be able to lift with the needed intensity. The good news is that I will have already done my cardio beforehand. I will also continue with my regular M/W/F training days. My partner, on the other hand, is trying her hand at training first thing, then finishing up with the second half of Zumba class. She will still join me on M/W/F. It will be interesting to see how this pans out, if my body can handle the five days in a row, and how our workouts measure up to what we've been doing until now.

W6D2 Operation: Unleash the MILF

Calories burned during 1:00:00 Zumba: 689
Calories burned during 0:56:00 training afterward: 582

W5D2: You Deserve Happiness

I'm going to be hardcore honest with you for a moment, friends. I am struggling the last couple of weeks. Though the numbers on the tape measure and the body fat monitor are going down, I don't feel like they're going down quickly enough. I guess this is the problem with losing so much weight in such a short amount of time. You expect that every time you hop on the scale or get measured. Things have slowed down to(it seems) a snail's pace for me lately. And I know that's how it's supposed to be. Bodies are smart like that. Doing it slowly is more healthy but darn it if it doesn't make me edgy! I had hoped that by almost halfway through Operation: Unleash the MILF I would have seen a lot more body fat gone. And while I have perused the comments of others using the same program, they assure me that most big changes don't start happening until after week six. I'm so impatient! I feel like I have worked my ass off and that this program has exhausted me so much that I should be seeing more results by now. I shouldn't complain. And I'm not, really. This is more of a mental roadblock for me. I'm sure those of you that struggle with weight loss(in any situation) understand. I know I'm doing well. I'm eating what I'm supposed to and going hard at the gym. All of my lifts have increased this past week and I feel I have more stamina during the workouts. These are good things! So with that I would like to say...

Dear Brain,

Just STOP! Stop thinking. Stop OVERthinking. Change will happen and it will happen at the body's pace, not yours. Clearly, you are tired. Have a nap and shut up while you're at it.

Love, Me

Now, everyone repeat after me: I deserve happiness. I will not let my brain overthink the weight loss process and I will not worry myself with things beyond my control. I will eat right, I will exercise, I will take my vitamins, and I will get adequate sleep. I deserve to be happy

W5D2 Operation: Unleash the MILF

Workout Duration 1:16:44
Calories burned 580

W4D2: Smallville(or less than you thought)

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W3D4: We All Make Mistakes

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W3D2: Ask Yourself

I get asked a lot what motivates me. What keeps me inspired? What do I do when I just don't feel like working out? I find inspiration from lots of things. It could be a conversation I've had with someone, a personal victory in the gym, a new number on the tape measure, just about anything really. Look for inspiration and you will find it. Look for the good and you will see it. But there are days. Oh, there are days. Plenty of times I've walked into the gym half asleep and told my partner, 'I don't wanna.' And I love how she knows me well enough that every.single.time. her response is, 'Yes you do. Let's go get started.' :D But there are also those moments when I'm in the comfort of my own home. A soda in the fridge will beckon. A nibble here and a nibble there of something yummy. The couch will call my name on the weekend instead of the gym. But a question I have been learning to ask myself along the way is, 'Will this help me achieve my goals?' I say it, sometimes out loud, every time I am tempted. If the answer is 'no' then it's clear cut. I just don't do it. Plain and simple. And let me tell you, it works for every temptation. So my challenge to you is to ask yourself this question. Make it a habit. Make it the first thing that runs through your mind when you're tempted. See the results!

W3D2 Operation: Unleash the MILF

Workout Duration: 1:04:27

*About 15 minutes of this was spent dicking around, putting weights away. ;)

Calories Burned: 548

I am happy to say that in only two full weeks, I've said buh-bye to 5 inches. Over half of that was off my hips! My weight has yo-yoed plus or minus 3 pounds this week but....uh....well if you're a woman you know the reason for that. ;) I don't rely on the scale as a measure of my success at this point. This is all about inches and body fat, baby! Speaking of, that went down 0.1%. 

W3D1: Victory

Most of you probably remember back to your school days when you were given a 'fit test' in physical education class. In my case, it was given twice per year. I remember the dread that filled my body when I heard it announced. There were sit-ups and push-ups and chin-ups. But there was one thing that scared me more than all of those combined: the one-mile run. See, I had childhood asthma and not only was my physical fitness level a deterrent, so was my asthma. I remember the feeling of my lungs clenching up, struggling for air, almost blacking out at times because I couldn't breathe. It's a scary feeling for a kid! And while I'm sure that my fitness level, or lack thereof, had a lot to do with my fear of the fit test, I think my asthma and fear of not being able to breathe sheathed me in a mental chain so strong it's taken all these years to overcome it. I've never wanted to push myself to the point of an asthma attack, so anytime I had running on the list I just took it slow and did more run/walk than anything. Of course there were body pains while running, but most of my fear was unfounded. It was all in my head.

So today after our workout, my partner and I headed out to the track to do a little cardio. We'd already decided to go to a night time Zumba class so we weren't really aiming to push ourselves. I honestly just wanted to see how many laps I could do. The most I've ever run continuously was 1.5 laps so I figured I might go for 2.5. I don't know what happened, but I consider it nothing short of miraculous. There in the hot Guam sun, I ran four full laps....without stopping. That's one mile. I had just completed the dreaded one-mile run! I sat down on the bleachers, amazed. What just happened? I remember along the way thinking about the contestants on the Biggest Loser. If those people(some weighing over 400 lbs) can do a 5k, I could do this one mile. And then I heard my partner cheering and running towards me with a huge smile on her face. Holy crap. I really did do that! I wasn't dreaming!! And better, I wasn't dying!! I felt good, not too winded. So she came and sat next to me and gave me a big hug and that's when the tears started flowing. I had been released from my mental chain. The fear of the one-mile run had vanished. And then two other workout buddies joined us and celebrated with me. More tears ensued.

Every day it seems there is some new milestone right around the bend. Whether it be a heavier lift, a longer distance, or a smaller measurement. I awake each day looking forward to whatever victory it holds for me. Of course it wasn't always this way, but I find the better care you take of yourself, the more positive your attitude becomes. And the more positive your attitude, the more change you will see. Free yourself of your mental chains. Conquer your fears head-on. Live your life, don't let it live you.

W3D1 Operation: Unleash the MILF

A.M. Workout Duration 34:08
Calories burned: 380

P.M. Workout Duration 58:59
Calories burned: 796
 

W2D4: Do-Overs

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W2D3: Simplicity

When people undergo a drastic transformation, they're always asked 'how did you do it?' Their audience is looking for that magic pill or secret they've never heard. When I'm asked how my transformation happened, my favorite new answer is, 'simply.'

Let's rewind a bit. Aside from having divorced parents at a young age, I lived a pretty kosher life for the most part. I didn't always have what I wanted, but I always had what I needed. I witnessed some abuse but I myself was not abused. The closest thing I had to depression was being picked on by other kids because I was a little bigger than they were. I went to a great high school that gave me many opportunities to showcase my singing talent. I can't even begin to tell you when my struggle with food addiction started, or why. I distinctly remember one of my first jobs of packing to-go orders for a local restaurant. Every order included a couple of these delicious poppyseed rolls with cinnamon honey butter. Whenever I'd open the bread drawer, I'd put two in the order and take one for myself. You do realize I was packing about fifty of these orders a night, right? I guess all the time spent on my feet made up for the insane amount of calories I was taking in because I didn't really gain any weight. And of course I got a discount on my food so every night after my shift I'd get myself a ginormous burger, and take it home and eat it at midnight, then go to bed. Healthy habits in the making right there, folks. NOT! When I went to college there was a little pizza stand right across the street from my dorm. Ready-to-eat pizza and breadsticks 24-hours a day. Again, stupid choices were made, and often. When I moved in with my husband(who was my boyfriend at the time), we were living off very little money until I found a job and of course, thinking it was expensive to buy healthy, I made bad choices again. So that said, I can't blame my weight gain on the actions of others. I don't have that excuse. The only reason I can give is my own stupidity.

Back to 'simply.' As the weight has fallen off over the last year, and at a quick pace, I'm often asked how I did it. At first it was making simple changes. I started exercising. When that change stopped working by itself, I started changing my eating habits and shopping the perimeter of the grocery store. And when those two things stopped working, I took a really good look at the things I was buying and how much of them I was consuming. I've never been a huge calorie counter. I'll do it for a couple weeks at a time if I'm not seeing any progress, but normally I just follow the rule of thirds(more on that later). I've never had any long-term success with diets or shakes or pills. And so it seems that now, the easiest way to shed the weight has been the most simple. You eat right(clean), you get enough exercise, you get enough sleep and you stop worrying about it. Just get into your groove and live it. Don't do it for a few months and stop. Live it...FOREVER. So my challenge to you is to get simple. Don't over think it. Make a healthy plan for your life, stick to it, and watch how easily the changes occur.

W2D3 Operation: Unleash the MILF

Today was the hardest workout, yet. My partner and I really struggled to get through the circuit as the last three moves(dumbbell lunges, v-ups, and box jumps) really took it out of us. But we made it through and I'm really proud of us. I also feel like I'm already starting to see some changes in my body. I'm officially down into the 160's(a number I've never seen!) and feel like my muscles are coming out to play now that I've adjusted my caloric intake UP, and getting my macronutrients straightened out. Here are some really bad iPhone pics that I took yesterday. Obviously you can't tell much but I hope to repeat this series every couple weeks till the end of the program. And of course I'll wear less clothes in better light as time progresses. ;) And I want to tell you women out there, don't be afraid to lift heavy. I might look bulky to you but let me assure you...THAT IS FAT. I still have quite a bit of fat on my body. That's why we call it 'leaning out.' Lifting heavy will not bulk you up. You lack the hormones.

Workout Duration: 35:53
Calories Burned: 429 *Note, this does not include cardio. I skipped today's cardio in favor of zumba last night.*

W2D1: Mean Girls

I was never the 'popular' kid in school. Hell, I was lucky if one of the popular kids asked me for an answer on a test. I also was not your typical high school beauty. Looking back, I've never really thought of myself as beautiful, or pretty, but I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. I didn't play on a winning sports team. I didn't make straight A's. Boys never asked me on dates and I went to my senior prom stag(dork!). I was picked on for my size, called fat, ugly, you name it. But I had one thing that all of the girls and boys who picked on me didn't. My gift was in my song. I used to sing...a lot. I like to think I was pretty good at it. I made all-state choir all through high school, sang in the honors chorus, entertained the crowd at various events and even sang the National Anthem a handful of times. My song was pretty much all that got me through high school. It was the only reason I woke up in the morning and went to school. It was the only reason I kept my grades at the 'average' level instead of failing, so that I could participate in these different singing groups. I played in the band, too, but singing...singing was special. In that block of time I was the 'cool' kid. The one that knew how to do things with my voice that others around me did not. The one who was sought after to stand on the 50-yard line and sing America, The Beautiful right after 9/11. My weaknesses were many, but I had this one strength.

As I've grown older and matured, I've found that these so-called 'mean girls' still exist. People are downright cruel. They will take any chance they can to poke fun at you, hit you when you're down, talk shit behind your back and make you feel like the dirt on the ground. This has been true in every facet of my life that I have been passionate about. It's like the minute I care about something, someone is there just waiting to bring me down. I'm not saying I'm an angel by any means, or that I don't love a good joke or to poke fun at my friends, but there is a difference in having a good laugh and having that laugh at someone else's expense. I remember back when I first started this journey, the sneers on people's faces as I told them I was going to run a 5k or maybe try weightlifting. I'm not sure what changed in me that I started NOT listening to their snide remarks, but I closed off my ears. And in that, I set my mind, heart, and body free. So I'm going to leave you with a song I found that has inspired me recently. Just as I sang in school, I sing in my car every.single.morning. And LOUDLY! All the while saying a little bit of thanks to those mean girls that have teased, tortured and humiliated me.

W2D1 Operation: Unleash the MILF
Workout Duration: 52:43
Calories Burned: 469
*Squat jumps with pulses are THE DEVIL. Owwww!

W1D3: You Lift WHAT?!?!

I remember back when I started lifting, I struggled to curl 5-pound dumbbells and do squats with my body weight. In a little over a year, I've come quite a long way(still more to go, though!) and have proudly lunged around the weight room with a 35-pound plate overhead or 25-pound dumbbells at my sides. And I've smirked proudly to myself in the mirror as I shoulder pressed a 55-pound barbell over my head. But all that doesn't seem to matter now. Why? Because Operation: Unleash the MILF is kicking.my.ass. I don't normally do circuit-style training, instead, my body has grown used to eight to ten repetitions of a particular exercise, followed by about thirty seconds of rest before heading into the next set. But this week...this week has been a hard smack in the face. As my partner and I went through our circuits yesterday, I groaned my way through shoulder presses with 15-pound dumbbells. And then I cussed my way through walking lunges with measly 10-pound dumbbells at my sides. Hopefully no one saw the embarrassment on my face or heard the little voice in my head that was telling me to 'just give up. This is just the wrong program for you.' I wanted to smack that little bitch and tell her to get outta my head! I had work to do! I cannot even begin to tell you the anger that arose inside of me as I started my third circuit and had to drop down to 5-pound shoulder presses. Really? REALLY?!?!? I have worked so hard to come here and now be beaten back into the ground by some circuit training? But you see friends, this is where my anger helps me. I have always been the type of person that when told I can't do something, I'm gonna go do it. And I'm gonna do it better than you ever expected. So 5-pound dumbbells be damned. In the words of a friend, I "will conquer those bitches!" So I will leave you with one of my favorite images, even though it seems like it's mocking me at the moment....

Workout duration: 46:02

Calories burned: 462

*My workout got cut about ten minutes short due to daycare calling to say my baby girl had a high fever. She's on the mend now and I feel good about the work I did, even with the lacking time. :)

W1D2: Let's Talk Goals

Most of us are taught to set goals from a young age. Whether that be saving money, getting an A on a test, or being the best at our sport, they all have one thing in common: starting something and finishing it. When I first started this journey, I set one goal and that was to weigh less than 200 pounds. I had my eye set on 199 and figured I'd probably stop once I got there. But as the weeks went on and the weight came off, I liked what I saw enough to keep going once I'd reached my goal. After that, my next goal was to wear a bikini on the beach and feel comfortable. I still have not reached that goal  but I know that one day I will get there. In the meantime, I wear my bikini and try not to worry about it too much. I'd rather just have fun than worry about sucking in my gut. Anyone that knows me well enough knows that I've worked damn hard to get as far as I have and there is no shame in that! Another goal I have, and this happens to go along with Operation: Unleash the MILF, is to get down to 20% body fat. All this to say, goals come in many forms and can be achieved in many ways.

Sometimes I like to chat with the personal trainers at my gym and have them weigh in on my weight loss(no pun intended). I've been told to pick a number, to pick a size, or to pick a functional fitness goal such as doing an unassisted pull-up(getting there!). But something no personal trainer, or anyone else for that matter, can tell you is what goal to pick for yourself. Sure, they can help you achieve your goals but they cannot pick the goal for you. Nor should they! Health and fitness is such a personal thing and I think sometimes it's good to step back, refocus, and remember that you are doing this for you. And if you're like me and don't work with a personal trainer, know that there are many, many ways to reach whatever goal you set. You want to run? Start running and see how far you can go, then go further next time. Not working for you? Find a program like Couch to 5K to get you started and coach you along. Still not working? Get a friend involved! Got a Diet Coke habit? Cut it cold turkey. Just bite the bullet and do it. Too much? Work to subtract a few ounces a day from your diet until you reach the magic number of ZERO. Still not your thing? Pay yourself! For every hour a day you don't take a sip, give yourself a quarter!

YOU hold all the tools within yourself to set a goal, to reach that goal, and to surpass it and become better than even you expected. So my challenge to you is simple: Figure out what you want to do. Brainstorm four or five ideas to help you achieve that goal and find the one that works best for you. It really is that simple. :)

And now for my summary of today's Operation: Unleash the MILF workout....I have never, ever come so close to losing my breakfast in the weightroom. My circuits involved burpees at the end and by the second round it was taking every ounce of mental strength to not blow chunks. Pretty, huh?

Workout Duration: 55 Minutes

Calories Burned: 509

Most Memorable Quote: "It's been awhile since I've seen a pebble."

And I must tell you about the funniest moment of my day. I shouldn't laugh. I really shouldn't. You see, one of the girls that works out alongside me(and sometimes with me!) was doing her thing on the treadmill, running off some excess energy. My partner and I started messing with her, cheering her on, and next thing we know? That woman has tripped, done a flip, landed on her back and is sailing down the belt. She lay there for a moment composing herself, gets up, and with a red face starts laughing. And of course we all follow suit because...DUH...that's funny stuff! Thankfully she is okay with some bumps and bruises. I'm sure she'll feel it tomorrow but I am so proud of her for getting back on that treadmill and finishing her workout, even if it was just walking. And this is one of the reasons I love these ladies so much. We don't take anything too seriously. When it's time to work, we work! But then we like to dick around plenty, too. ;)

Operation: Unleash the MILF

That's what I'm calling the next 12 weeks of my life. I have taken on a new training plan and have my eye set on 20% body fat. Don't so much care about the number of pounds I lose, just need to kick that fat in the rear! For the next four weeks, my training will be as follows:

M: Weights and HIIT(High Intensity Interval Training)
T: Zumba(active rest day)
W: Weights and LISS(Low Intensity Steady Steady cardio)
T: Zumba(active rest day)
F: Weights and HIIT
S: Weights and LISS
S: REST DAY!

Now that you've seen my busy week, let's get down to business.

W1D1 KICKED MY BUTT! While I felt like a floppy noodle after training today, it excites me that a program is challenging me on the very first day. And here I was feeling like I am in great shape already! By the third go-round of my circuit I felt like I wasn't going to be able to finish the demanded repetitions. At some point I remember yelling at my partner, "tell me our motto!" And of course, she replied with, "SHUT UP AND TRY!" So I did, and I finished. :)

Getting onto the treadmill, my body already felt exhausted but it wasn't anywhere near time to stop. My HIIT had me running 10 mph sprints for 30 seconds. I joke that I'm training to be Kenyan. ;) Thankfully I only had to run like that 8 times and there is rest in between sprints. Getting off the treadmill, I was a sweaty, shaky, noodley mess...in a good way.

Workout duration: 47:03
Calories burned: 528
Most memorable quote of the day: "It's sad when crunches are rest, Zumba is relaxing and you get excited about mocha protein powder."

Let's Play Catch...Up.

This is me in June 2011.

234 lbs.

And here I am holding the 45 lbs. that I had lost. 

Down 50!

And my most recent, 60 lbs. of weight loss.

Just a little one-year comparison picture. Not bad, eh?

So that's where I am now. Anybody can do what I did. I am no one special. The one thing I have that most people lack is motivation. When you find that spark in yourself that says, 'I can do this,' and you eat right, and you exercise, amazing things are going to happen. Everything will fall into place. Stay tuned for the next chapter of my journey!