Pieces Of Me

I've been contemplating sharing this for awhile but have been hesitant because it's certainly my own inward struggle, and no one can really do anything about it. I don't want to be perceived as whiney and I certainly wouldn't want to sound annoying with such trivial issues when there are lots of bigger things going on in the world. But I've been struggling with this for weeks now and I'm hoping that talking about it will help, at least to some degree.

A friend once asked me where I thought fat went when it left the body. I didn't have a good answer except to say that maybe the molecules dissolved into thin air. Or perhaps it was the droplets of sweat left behind on the gym equipment after I'd finished a set. Maybe it was contained in the exhales that came from my lungs as I huffed and puffed through a run. But really, I had no idea. A common question upon my arrival back stateside is, 'how do you feel about leaving Guam?' The answer to that is also quite complicated. In a way, I left pieces of myself there. Seventy pounds worth of pieces to be exact. I have felt, and still feel every day, like I am grieving the loss of a person. Maybe it's the person that arrived on Guam October 8, 2011. I had felt that she was already dead to me, but perhaps staying at the scene of her death kept the grief at bay. It becomes stronger, and more real to me, each and every day. Maybe it's because so much has changed since that October day when the plane landed in paradise. It's not that I miss that woman, or her life, but I can't quite put my finger on why I feel so sad about leaving her behind. Is this is a common feeling when one loses a great deal of weight? Can anyone shed some light on this for me?

And of course, I miss my Guam family. Their smiles, their hugs, their encouragement through the hard times. Outwardly I smile and carry on about my days, but inwardly my heart continues to break. Texts, phone calls and FaceTime just aren't the same but they have become my band-aid, fixing my feelings temporarily. I wish so badly that someone or something would come along and sew me up. Put my pieces back together. I am trying hard to remind myself that grief takes time. Staying busy helps a little bit. Hopefully once I get 'home' from my little 'vacation' down South I can slip into a routine that will find some friends with similar interests. They'll never replace what I had in Guam, but I have hope for a new normal in the future. I do find it interesting that the place we were stationed at for the shortest amount of time, brought me friends that dug the deepest into my heart. <3